For Many Gay Men, It’s The Loneliness That’s A Killer

(updated on June 6th, 2021 from the original February 2021 essay)

“I know there’s someone out there
Waiting for me
There must be someone out there
There just has to be” — Has To Be by Madonna

I loved the 90s HBO sitcom Dream On as a kid. The main characther Martin’s internal dialog and thoughts always involved old movie clips. For me, its pop song lyrics. It sums up what I am feeling deep down in my heart, even though I try to ignore it or push it away. Whenever I feel lonely, I wonder whether there is someone special out there waiting for me.

Maybe Mariah Carey said it even better in her song Breakdown

“Well, I guess I’m trying to be nonchalant about it
And I’m going to extremes to prove I’m fine without you
But in reality, I’m slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of smile, gradually I’m dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
’Cause I don’t want to reveal the fact that I’m suffering
So I wear my disguise ’til I go home at night
Then turn down all the lights and then I breakdown and cry”

In times of distress, I have a hard time telling people how I really feel. I don’t want to burden other people with my problems or bring them down.